Design or default? A simple ask can make all the difference.
Image: Camylla Battani
When the going gets tough, it's time to raise your hand and ask for what you want or need (and what that is and who can help).
Recently, one of my clients started putting some well-crafted reinvention plans into action.
She's in the middle of a transition that has been, so far, personally, culturally, emotionally and professionally challenging. None of it has been easy, but it's all been intentional. It's all a part of her larger vision.
In other words, she chose this. She is in exactly the scenario that she and her partner mapped out, and... well, not everything has been going to plan.
Life has shown up with a few thorny obstacles and delays, and this has meant that the way she plotted out her next steps is not at all what's happening, at least not right now.
In Realigning to the circumstances as they appear, she's had to be flexible, creative with solutions and willing to keep steering in the direction that she ultimately wants to go, eyes towards the horizon.
So often, we forget that there will be bumps in the road. That plans will change. That when we take on anything worth taking on, there will be days when it all feels crazy making or confusing, and that can bring up a variety of emotions, patterns, reactions and the like.
The messy middle is real, and it's where living by design rather than default is so important.
She could succumb to the delays and roadblocks, and default to reacting to circumstances. That's an option, just not a super helpful one. Choosing that would also be in direct opposition to what she knows to be true, for her.
She knows where she wants to go.
Instead, we've revisited her big picture, revised timelines and explored how to prioritize other goals and growth when one area is temporarily blocked.
We've looked at what she needs to ask, and what she needs to ask for to enjoy what's happening now while staying very much within the flow of creating what's next.
Sometimes what you're asking and asking for is the key to forward movement.
The other day, I did this myself: shifting the question from what needs to be in place before I can get extra support around a goal... to what becomes possible once I have the support I already know is needed.
Always, the answer comes back to realigning.
It's never about pushing or trying to control all the things, but more about design versus default. And the tools to use are the questions you're asking and the requests that you're making (even of yourself).
Here's how this has looked for my client:
What she's asking:
What can I influence or control in this situation?
How can I put pieces of my vision in place right now?
What are some possible next steps or alternate paths?
What haven't I tried?
Who can help me?
What she's asking for:
Meetings with target companies who "aren't hiring."
Personal introductions to people she wants to connect with.
Extra household support from her partner and kids.
An appeal of a decision she doesn't agree with.
Extra coaching support when needed.
Here's how this has looked for me in similar situations:
What I've asked:
What parts of my timeline need to adjust?
If this disruption could be a benefit, what would that look like?
Where do I want to focus my attention instead?
Where do I need support (and what kind and how much)?
What I've asked for:
Expert advice in complex areas where I'm not in my strengths.
Plenty of downtime to recharge my brain and manage my energy.
New areas of support (a growth edge for me, personally!)
Coaching when needed.
Sometimes, the asking is uncomfortable. Sometimes, it generates a lot of forward energy. Always, it's empowering.
You may not get what you ask for every single time, but if you raise your hand enough (and this includes asking good questions of yourself), you'll eventually get what you need and then some.
What do you need to ask or ask for right now?
Where are you most comfortable doing the asking (and where not)?