I'm not fearless (and you probably aren't either)

Here’s a confession: I'm not fearless.

I'm willing to bet you're not either. Why? Because fearlessness is a myth. It doesn't serve any of us to pretend that the goal is to crush a vulnerable and human part of ourselves. It's not.

Years ago, I sat through a full-day retreat on the topic of fear at a well-known meditation center that happened to be in my then-hometown, hoping that it would teach me how to be fearless. I was sure there was a way to erase that pesky little emotion, so that I could get on with the grand visions for my life.

What I learned was life-changing (a word I don’t use lightly), and far more valuable: fear is just a natural, welcome, human response to the unknown. It's actually quite useful, as long as you take the time to understand how it works and start to build the tools to work with it effectively.

Fear had been coming up so much for me at that time for the simple reason that I was tackling new, unexplored territory along my life path. And I learned handy tips for how to identify, physically interact and co-exist with fear that day, which I’ve built on ever since.

There was something else that stuck with me that day.

Perpetuating the idea that we are required to remove fear from our lives does much more harm than good.

Fear can be many things — a physically felt sensation, a warning signal, an overdeveloped response to stress, an old “friend” that we're used to relying on. Some of these relationships are more helpful than others, but they all can tend to come up when we're making changes in our lives or careers that involve a bit of uncertainty. Which is most of them.

There is nothing wrong with feeling afraid. There is nothing wrong with listening to what scares you and evaluating the truth of it. There is nothing wrong with admitting aloud that you are not, in reality, without fear (bye, #fearless). We can work with all of that.

Imagine how much would go undone if we all waited to feel fearless before we did anything brave in our lives?

One of my favorite ways to look at how I — how we — deal with fear comes straight from that retreat day 15 years ago:

Managing your fear is not unlike letting your dog into your car. Of course, the dog will not be allowed to drive. You're the one behind the wheel. And you wouldn't hide the dog in the trunk and pretend it's not there with you, either. You provide your dog with a safe and secure spot, where you can see him and he can see what is happening around him.

Courage is all about knowing our fear a bit better, putting it in an appropriate role and increasing our capability to act at the same time. Far more nourishing than trying to crush it. Also, far more doable.

The next time fear stops you in your tracks, consider keeping the above in mind, and trying a couple of these strategies:

Be brave elsewhere.

Exercise the muscle of courage by intentionally trying new things in areas that are less charged for you. Think about areas that may be just on the edge of your comfort zone, but not over it.

Stop pretending you know the result.

Focus your attention in the present and not the future. I call this everyday mindfulness, and it gets good press for a reason. Many fears come from wildly predicting what could happen down the road without solid information, not from what is happening right this minute.

Increase your odds.

Understand the knowledge you may need to have so that you can authentically feel more confident and less uncertain in the situation. Then go find that information if it’s available to you.

Put yourself on the line.

Talk openly about your fear and your decision to act anyway. Enlist friends, supporters or a coach to your cause. There is strength in vulnerability and honest conversation.

Make room.

Instead of demonizing your fears, as we are often taught to do, just allow them to be. Make friends so that you can better understand them and how to work with them and yourself more compassionately.

Look for the lesson.

Maybe you have a fear of failing or a fear of not making the right decision. What might that teach you?

Physically surf it.

Tracking the physical feelings of fear in your body (tight neck muscles, a sick stomach, etc.) can be incredibly helpful in identifying what you're feeling, and bring yourself out of your head and back into your body and the rest of your existence. Much of our disasterizing is happening in our heads.

What are you learning from your fears lately? How are you stretching your courage muscles so that you can navigate with them instead of letting them hold you back?