I just said no (and you can too)
Image: Daniel Herron
As we slide into the year-end, it’s a natural time for reflection and looking at where we’ve been and what we‘ve experienced, and how that informs where we are headed next.
One of the things that always comes up in my coaching calls at this time of year is the practice of saying no. That may be no to things that are stretching our schedules in a busy year-end / holiday season. It might be realizing that it’s time to say no to things that aren’t working for us as we get ready to step into a new year.
I encourage my clients to find a few well-placed spaces in their life where they already know that a no is necessary. And not just necessary, but generative and spacious. We want to find the no that opens up space for the yes.
When we don’t balance what we’re saying yes and no to (or doing this without care and intention), we can end up in a space where no becomes a reflex reaction to overwhelm or resentment.
In one coaching session last week, a client shared that, even though she has set some priority guidelines for her time, she is having trouble actually saying no to things that don’t fit those priorities. (Who can relate?) Another client wanted to strategize about how to experience pieces of her ultimate vision right now, while she is working towards the bigger outcomes. Not surprisingly, the strategy that resonated most was to say no to more things that don’t fit where she is headed. Another client gave herself permission to say no to a situation that has clearly run its course and served its purpose.
Saying no is not an all-or-nothing kind of scenario.
Sometimes, we just need to say no for now.
When I was in my first year of coach training, we were all advised to clear 50% of our schedule to make time for learning and practicing what we'd came to learn and practice. I did it. But it was a radical shift for me. We're talking a whole lotta no right there. If you need to strengthen your no muscles, I highly recommend trying this.
In my business, I still challenge myself to say no to something that I’m doing at least once every quarter, whether it’s a project, an event or a way of doing things. It helps me to sort through the conflicts around what is more important at the moment. Over the years, I have learned to say no to a lot of things. Sometimes that meant disappointing people who had planned on me keeping on keeping on. Sometimes I was the only one with those expectations.
Each time, the no serves a larger purpose.
Each no is saying yes to myself, to the projects that matter to me right now, to the people I love, to the time I need to make solid feels-just-right-in-my-gut decisions, to my greater goals, to my overall wellbeing, to personal commitments that I have already set in motion.
The amazing thing is that saying no out loud (sometimes it feels like that, doesn’t it?) hasn’t had many negative consequences.
Yet this is often biggest obstacle to giving ourselves permission to clear space by saying no more often: we think that something bad will happen. When your no is coming from a place of integrity and you communicate it well, I find that rarely happens. Discomfort, yes. Readjustment of expectations, sometimes. Overthinking, usually. But real-life negative consequences? Not yet. Still, with all those no’s under the belt, it’s so simple to slip back into an old habit. We think “no.” We say “yes.” At least I still do. Sometimes.
The knee-jerk yes doesn’t serve any of us. Not if there is something we want to accomplish. Not if we’re looking for more purpose, less stress, more spaciousness, more creativity, more intentionality.
And most of us are looking for at least some of that.
When you’re managing a busy (and self-created, since we all create our busy-ness, yes?) schedule and committing to your well-being and planning for what’s next, you have to take a closer look at what you want to do more of, what you want to do less of, what you want to add — and most importantly, what you say no to. Quit. Subtract from your life.
Here are a few more things that either I or my clients have said no to lately…
Discouraging or negative conversations
Overscheduling
Unpaid “scope creep” on a predefined work project
Mindless scrolling when what they crave is nourishment
A client who really isn’t a good fit
The impulse to please others when it’s in conflict with themselves
A job that was “good enough” but not in their strengths
Booking up their entire weekend with plans
Digital notifications of any kind
Going back to the office full-time
Putting themselves in a situation where their wellbeing would be at risk
Next week, I have one client who will reporting back on her experiments with saying no. And more importantly, where that may have made it more possible for her to say yes.
I'm curious about you. What are you saying no to lately? Why? What are you making more room for? Where might that need to happen? I would love to hear about your celebrations and challenges when it comes to standing in your own priorities.
