It's time to get real...
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Recently, a client shared with me an experience that disturbed her. She had casually mentioned a struggle she was having to an acquaintance.
Their response? "You're so real. I love that about you."
And yet, when the conversation rolled around to her major success of landing a job that she previously thought would be out of her depth, their response was quite different.
No acknowledgement of this milestone. No celebration. No one was patting her on the back for being "real" then.
Instead, it was silence. And then, a different kind of statement: “Are you sure you’re up for that?”
Not only was she up for it, it was the exact goal that she’d been working towards. And the startling contrast in response initially put the brakes on for her.
But then she saw the disconnect. She had defined what she wanted, went after it in spite of her self doubt and had achieved it. The struggle she’d mentioned earlier seemed so small in comparison. The wins were where she wanted the connection and support.
"Being real" isn’t really about sharing our struggles, challenges and the moments when things go sideways.
Yet we often interact with each other in ways that put the struggle front and center. As if the beautiful moments, the big successes, the times when it's easy, the times of joy and celebration are less accessible, less shareable (outside of social media highlight reels). Less “real”. Less relatable. Less important.
They're not. Real life is made up of all the moments.
Celebrations of your successes are moments that move us all forward. I encourage you to embrace them. Savor them. Revel in them. Share them widely.
Research shows that these positive moments have profound impacts on our wellbeing. We can extend that impact and amplify it further by planning for and anticipating them, enjoying them in the moment and savoring them after the fact.
Sustainable success brings both challenge and celebration. Let’s reframe “getting real” by acknowledging the struggles constructively and fostering positive conversations about what's possible instead of what holds you back.
I've experienced this disconnect myself over the years as I've made bold moves in my life and work. I have been told that I am “a little too happy.” I’ve heard "thanks for being so real" when sharing about the night my home burned and I lost nearly everything or a season of losing people I love. I’ve heard, "that's nice, but that’s not real life" when talking about big wins, strong boundaries or even logistical choices like working four-day weeks or splitting time between two countries.
There are many reasons we might experience this from others, and I won’t go into those here because it doesn’t actually matter in the long run. What’s within our control is how honest we are being with ourselves, which external dialogues we choose to engage with and how we choose to respond.
When I’ve challenged people on what it truly means to “be real,” a story I often hear is that social media and marketing gloss over life and show us only the highlight reel. There's more than a bit of truth to that. And… there is also plenty of drama, commiserating and negative behavior happening in those same channels. It's hardly all Hallmark moments and shiny unicorns out there.
We’re also warned about toxic positivity, which is essentially papering over your challenges and feelings to put on a relentless positive spin. While there are a host of measurable benefits to cultivating positive emotion and optimism, it's not meant to be done in that way.
Life is the middle way. It can be messy. Careers are rarely linear. Families face challenges. Businesses have their ups and downs. Unexpected world events impact us all. Sometimes life is easy and beautiful and everything just flows. Sometimes miracles happen. Sometimes, there is hardship.
Real life is all of this and it’s also what we make of it. It's what we are able to create each day. It’s the multiple responses available to what each day brings.
If you’re in a season of setting big goals, of creating what is next for you, of reimagining what’s possible, identifying and building your sustainable success, you can expect some challenge and growth moments. You can also expect joy, celebrations, fulfillment, big wins and the feeling of knowing your path.
The question is where do you choose to focus in the longer term? On what you want? Or what you don't want? On what others are doing, what they (seem to) have or how they’re responding to your challenges and celebrations? Or on your ability to own and influence what is happening in your own life?
What conversations do you choose to really engage in? The ones that elevate you and enhance your wellbeing and growth? The ones that create meaningful connection? Or the ones that keep you spinning in circles and not fully moving into what is next for you? The ones that are defined by other people's ideas of what's “being real”? Or by what you are making real in your world?
In real life...
You are “being real” when you share your highest highs as well as your obstacles.
You're being authentic when you talk about your desires and dreams, not just your bad day.
The moments you’ll remember forever are just as real as last week's drama.
Transparency doesn’t mean a lack of boundaries (or ignoring yours).
Be present for all of it. Choose carefully where you place your time, energy and your attention, and how you choose to respond. Because you are creating your real life, right now.
What are you getting real about? I'd love to hear it from you.
