What do you really, really want?
Image: Cathryn Lavery
Whatever you just answered to the question posed in the headline, I challenge you to ask yourself the question again. And answer again. And again. And keep going at that for a while. Around the ending and the beginning of each year is an excellent time to touch base with yourself on this question, but really… there is never a wrong time to step back and reflect on your direction. Desires are direction, and “What do I really want” is a question to carry with you. One to pull out of your pocket for the times when things seem unclear or misaligned, but also when you’re celebrating success and reaching for (and defining) your next level.
I’ve done this as a practice for many, many years myself. It started as part of an intentional planning and goal setting process I’d do at each birthday, and later moved into a new year practice for myself and for my coaching clients. I’ve used many ways of engaging the question and many tools. (you can access one of them at the end of this article).
What do I really, really want is actually a much broader question than six short words let on.
It encompasses so much. What do I want to change, to accomplish, to continue? What do I want more of, less of, enough of, none of? What do I yearn for? What, in thinking about it, sets my heart on fire?
These can be tough questions if you’re answering honestly. If you don’t know how you’re going to get there. But if we aren’t asking ourselves the questions, we won’t get any answers. And ultimately, it’s fairly difficult to ever get what you want if you don’t have a clear idea about those answers. Sometimes, that takes time and solid reflection. Sometimes, it’s also easier not to know. But it’s never as fulfilling.
One way that i like to explore this question a bit deeper — and this can be a profound experiment to try — is to get into the asking with others. Choose someone who you trust to listen to you without agenda, and give them one assignment: their job is to ask you what you really, really want for 2-5 minutes (your choice). They don’t get to comment or brainstorm solutions with you. They can listen and prod you to keep talking. “And what else do you want? And what else?” They can also be your scribe and record/write down what you say. If they’re up for it, you can then trade places and do it again.
(I first learned this exercise from leadership coach Dave Ellis and have since adapted it in new ways that work best for me and my clients. I’ve also done this with close friends and it’s a lovely way to connect and hold space for what really matters to each other.)
What happens when you keep asking yourself what you really want? A direction. Goals. Often, an astounding amount of clarity. What happens when someone witnesses you in this way or when you’re that witness to a friend or a partner — and you really hear those desires? What happens when you don’t settle for the first answer? What if you keep asking until your list is a mile long? (Actually, mine is fairly long and it’s contained in a whole box of index cards that I keep in my office and keep adding to and reviewing when I need something new to take on.)
Often, this is an uncomfortable challenge. Many of us share a belief system that has some tricky ideas about wants and desires.
As in, when is it okay to openly want and when not? Where are desires and ambitions appropriate (and which ones get classified that way)? This can be especially true when others are struggling, when we have others to care for or when we come from communities
If that’s you, consider this: without desire and ambition, nothing gets accomplished in this world.
Nothing small. And nothing large. Desire causes action. Goals don’t get achieved without the why and what we really, really want— that’s where the why lives. The world’s greatest social changes, inventions and developments happened because somebody wanted them. More often, a lot of somebodies wanted them.
Consider that it is entirely possible (it’s likely) that wanting is not a selfish act. We can each want for everybody. So as we settle into a new year or you set out into new landscapes for your life and work (or even if you’re feeling like you need a bit of motivation and nourishment), I invite you to ask the questions.
What is it that you really, really want? And what do you want for others?
In your life?
For your family/your loved ones?
In your career?
For your community?
For future generations?
Knowing your answers on a deeper and more grounded level could completely change your life. It will make the action more clear and more meaningful. It will likely also have positive ripple effects for those around you.
