Steering your ship: 16 ways to expand your circle of influence
Image: David Mao/Unsplash
When I was writing my book, Reinvent Your Reality, during the midst of the pandemic, one thing that consistently stood out was the distinction between where we have control and where we do not.
While there are differing views on where those exact lines are drawn, I repeatedly come back to a practical circle of influence. How we live our day-to-day lives, the choices we make about where our energy and attention goes, where we invest our time, which relationships we invest in, what we focus on — these all feel solidly within our control.
And yet, it’s also easy to put this circle of influence on autopilot.
When I talk with clients about this contradiction within our circles of influence (and when I’ve been coached around them myself), it can bring up all kinds of uncomfortable feelings. It can come with a lot of question marks. Some raised eyebrows. Some hell yeahs.
Usually, there’s an element of recognition and resistance.
What we recognize: the places where we’re letting go of our influence or forgetting what’s within our control as we respond to external circumstances or old patterns.
What we resist: hearing what we can do shows us pretty clearly where we are not doing that. While it’s empowering that it is, in fact, up to us — it might also be a bit confronting.
What matters most is deciding to choose, deciding to exert our influence where we have it, in service of what we truly want to be creating. It’s not a one and done kind of thing. These are choices we make over and again, as we grow and create and live into what’s next.
A simple way to dramatically improve the quality of your life or your career or your wellbeing — and especially the places where they intersect— is to wake up to what’s within your influence and what is not.
Having the success we want means fully waking up to what we’re creating every day. It means putting one foot in front of the other each day, fully awake to where we are right now and who we are being and why.
It means finding a way to take time away when downtime is what you need. It means doing the work that you have decided to do, that is yours to do, and doing it with your whole heart. It means making decisions that align with the foundations of who you are as well as with the responsibilities that you have.
It means, at the most core level, living life from a place of “awake” versus “asleep.”
Living life awake is not all deep and meditative (although I highly recommend a meditation practice for growing this muscle). It's the intersection of mindset and action. And like many simple things, it’s an evolving practice, with some benefits that you’ll notice right away and some you’ll appreciate 10 years down the road.
Something that many of us discover along the way is that it helps tremendously to have a set of guidelines that set you up on your own path, that you can reflect on, build on and dust off as needed when you need to be reminded what’s within your control and which direction you’re headed.
Here are a few of my timeless favorite guidelines that always point us back to our centers of influence and nudge us more towards awake, alive and directing our path. These are ones that have shown up over and over again in my life, from Zen retreats to leadership workshops to coach training to conversations at local coffee shops and wine bars with friends.
Try a few of these on when you need to reorient:
Be intentional. When you’re clear on your underlying purpose or your personal mission, what’s unnecessary falls away. Your mission may not be what you’re here to do for work, but what you’re here to bring, period. (And yes, please do bring that to work with you!)
Reconnect to what you want. Life offers so many options and we need to periodically pause to reconnect to the ones that are aligned for us. I’ve written about ways to do this here and here.
Tell the truth to yourself and to others. If you’re leaning more towards asleep than awake, there may be a disconnect here. Getting better at connecting to and sharing your truth is one of the most powerful influences you can wield.
Embrace your responsibilities. You’ve got ‘em. You agreed to ‘em. And it’s your job to either meet them or renegotiate them. When we’re navigating change, shifting responsibilities can do a number on our view of what’s really in our control, but it’s empowering to remember that we’re ultimately at choice about what we take on and why.
Ask for help and share your burdens. You know how it feels when you convince yourself that you don’t need help, that you can handle everything yourself. We have all been there. And we all handle life’s challenges more effectively when we’re not always trying to play superhero. Connect, share, ask for what you need. Feel the power and relief of going it together and not alone.
Act from love and not fear. Even in business, in heated conflicts, in tough and unpredictable circumstances, we have a choice about where we’re coming from. And our approach — the energy we bring into the space — always impacts our results.
Curate for clarity and flow. We live in a world of distractions, and it’s easy to be sucked in by social media, culture wars, endless news cycles, trends, community obsessions and whatnot. Even things we love to do can become distractions if we let them. Pay attention to where your time and energy goes, and decide if it’s going where you want it to go.
Listen to yourself and others. Really listen. That means not glancing at your phone every five minutes, interrupting, formulating your next response or multitasking while on calls. Same goes for yourself: allow space to hear what’s in your heart, what’s on your mind and what’s showing up for you right now.
Love your habits. Ditch all resolutions and take a look at your habits with an eye towards what’s impacting your life. Commit to embracing what nourishes you, whether that’s adding a new habit, changing your routine or cutting out something that is just not serving you.
Keep going. Persist in your desired direction. Stick to it. And when it’s time to stop, stop. In your gut, you know the difference between giving up and moving forward. We’re all smart like that.
Be of service. Make a contribution, however you define that. Do whatever it is that fills you up and helps another, whether that’s volunteer work, writing checks to charity, helping a friend in need or spreading a little kindness. Then do a little more.
Find supportive environments. You may have heard the adage “the environment always wins.” Who and what we surround ourselves with matters. A lot. Be choosy and cultivate the environments that bring out your best.
Take a time out. I don’t care who you are or how incredibly important you are. The world is not going to fall apart because you take a break. But you might if you don’t take that break. Downtime builds us up. It’s not a “nice-to-have,” it’s an essential renewable resource.
Celebrate everyday. Work at this. It does usually take some practice to find things to celebrate every single day, especially at challenging times. The more you’re looking for them, though, the more of them you will find, and the upward spiral will build.
Solve problems. Learn from them, solve them, delegate them — do whatever it is that they're calling for to be done. But tackle them fully and then move on. Don't carry them around, make them part of the family or let them grow unattended.
Prioritize play. Laugh out loud. Schedule 20 minutes a day for something fun that’s just for you. Spend time with people who put a smile on your face. Dance. Sing. Find pleasure. No matter how busy you get, infuse a little playfulness in your day.
What are the guidelines that you call on to wake you up and get you moving full speed towards a life that you love?
