Finding the clues in your complaints

japanese garden sign reading "keep on path" in calligraphy — *Image: Sally Anne Carroll*

I overheard a woman talking to her friend at my local spa recently. As she shared a litany of complaints, it was clear that she was feeling frustrated and resigned. She couldn’t put her finger on what's wrong, really, or exactly how to fix it. What she does know for sure, though, is that something feels off and that a few life changes are in order.

A client came to me last week with a similar circumstance. His career is moving along just fine, but he’s not not feeling it anymore. He complained about several minor aspects of his job before we uncovered that, really, he’s just ready for something different. Something more values-aligned, a different level of impact. He’s in growth mode.

In both cases, the rumblings have started. And lately, it feels like there are rumblings all around us. Many of us are looking up from the path we’ve been walking and thinking it may be time to chart a new course. (This is part of what the so-called Great Resignation is all about, and it’s not just happening at work.) As the world throws challenge after challenge our way, many of us are rethinking what we’re doing and who we’re being and seeing an opening for change. I’m including myself here — lots of changes have been afoot for me as well.

One thing I’ve noticed is how often this desire for change first shows up as commiserating or resignation. While our brains do have a neurobiological bias for the negative, it’s also a cultural way of being that has become so pervasive that most of us don't even question it.

We connect with each other over complaint and what’s not working. What’s worse, we often put the “what’s not working” part down to inevitability and circumstance. We commiserate about the way things are, we accept a lot of assumptions and we argue for our limitations.

There is a big upside to this reflex we have, though. The words coming out of your mouth are valuable clues.

A clue that things are ready to shift. A clue that it’s time to explore what you actually do want. A clue that your values, your desires and your priorities are wanting to be heard. A clue that you might need to take a pause. A clue from that part of you that’s been buried under the day to day.

It’s like when a friend talks about her latest fabulous vacation or a colleague is excited about working on yet another high-profile project, and inevitably someone responds by saying “I want your life” or my favorite: "Well, it must be nice." Those people don't want someone' else’s life. They want to love their life more. It’s no different when we do it to ourselves.

Deep down, of course, we know that we decide how to spent the 24 hours we have each day. (This isn’t dismissing the reality that some of those decisions come with real challenges and consequences, but we do have choices.) We know we choose where we work, how long we stay there and how we spend our leisure time. We know our money doesn’t leave the bank and spend itself. We know we choose what we eat and whether we’re doing things that drain or energize us.

But when we’re moving from day to day without stepping back to see the larger picture, it might not seem that way. When we’re exhausted or sleepwalking through the week or overwhelmed with input, there’s not a lot of space for resilient and creative responses.

Then, it might seem as though life just continually happens to us. Too many things may feel beyond our control. It might feel a lot easier in the short-term to commiserate over the status quo than to vulnerably and honestly share where we are, what’s not working and what we actually want.

Taking a thoughtful, curious approach to the clues when they appear can change everything.

Taking time to listen, tap into your knowing and identify what you really want gives you the space to discern what truly matters to you and start creating more of that. That can happen in small pauses and in longer ones. The plethora of recent books on rethinking the role of certain technologies in our lives (a common complaint in our always-on world), illustrate this, too. I’ve been reading quite a few of them and they’re all saying this same thing that we coaches do:

We have the ability to curate our lives to achieve better values alignment. To do that means creating space to reflect, be intentional about it and take thoughtful action.

Finding the clues in your complaints won't make life perfect. But it will absolutely help you to experience more of what you want and less of what you don't want on a daily, weekly and yearly basis. It will help identify what you need and desire, what motivates you, what’s working and not working. It will help shut out the noise, transform the rumblings of complaint into new possibility, and create new and nourishing standards by which to measure the choices you’re making.

Following the clues aligns the day to day with a clear path, purpose and direction. One that inspires you, feels like you and pulls you forward into a vision that you are committed to living.