You don’t need to say yes to everything
Image: Gemma Evans
One of the stumbling blocks coming up with my clients these days is refocusing time and energy to what matters most.
A lot of the time that means saying NO to the people, tasks, requests and situations that are pulling you away.
Saying no in a graceful way that preserves your time, resources and energy — and your relationships –doesn’t have to be difficult. It just takes practice.
But moving from being a “yes, sure” person to saying “no” more often can come with a bit of discomfort (and even guilt) about setting stronger boundaries. That’s OK. Positive change is not always comfortable and confidence is not built in a day.
As you practice a new habit of saying NO when you need to, those feelings will naturally fade away and you’ll be feeling a lot more relaxed.
How to start saying NO more easily
Start small.
If, in the past, you have always been the person who says YES to every request, it might take you some time to build up those NO muscles. You don’t have to change overnight. Just take small steps and work your way up from the easy, no-brainer NOs to those more challenging situations.
Expect pushback.
As you start setting stronger boundaries and saying NO more often, it may come as a surprise. Some people may even challenge or cajole you to get their way. This won’t always be pleasant. But when you stay responsible to yourself and respectful of others, eventually, this too shall pass.
Go with your gut.
Chances are, you already know where you need more NO energy. Many factors can play into whether you want to accept or decline a request, including the timing, nature and importance of what’s being asked of you, the context of your relationship, what’s already on your plate, the impacts of your decision on others, and more. You will know when a confident NO is the right decision for you.
Skip the story.
Many people are in the habit of “making up a story” to get out of a request. You do not need to do this, and in fact, it may come back to haunt you later on. It is OK to say NO and to allow other people to feel how they feel about that. So skip the contortions and white lies. Respect yourself and your relationships and just be honest.
Practice, practice, practice.
Getting comfortable with standing up for your time, energy and resources is not a one-and-done. Some situations will be more challenging than others, but the more you do it, the easier it gets. If there is a particular request that challenges or concerns you, figure out ahead of time how you will handle it, so that you’re prepared and confident when it happens.
What to say instead of the automatic YES
Of course, the simplest path is to remember that NO is a complete sentence on its own. “No.” “No thanks.” “Thanks for thinking of me, but I can’t.” All acceptable answers.
When that doesn’t work (or you’re still working on your comfort level with carving out space for yourself and your priorities), there are a number of other go-to strategies that you can keep in mind. Here are a few to practice with:
Answer later.
Sometimes, you need to consider a request before you actually know whether it’s a yes or a no. You can make better choices on where to invest your time and energy when you cultivate the habit of responding later versus immediately.
“I’m in meetings all afternoon. Can I follow up with you later?”
“Let me sleep on it and get back to you tomorrow.”
“When do you a need a decision on this?”
Share your schedule.
When your calendar is packed with things that prevent you from saying yes, you don’t need to explain yourself. However, it can sometimes feel more comfortable to share what’s on your plate.
“I can’t do that because I’m already committed for Saturday.”
“I’m working on the Jones Project, so I can’t add anything else to my plate right now.”
“I always work out on Tuesday and Thursday evenings, so I can’t join you.”
Negotiate.
When you want to say yes, but it’s not really a priority, you may be able to work out a timetable or a process that better fits your needs. Ask.
“I’m really busy this week. If it can wait until next week, then I can help.”
“Thanks for thinking of me, but I can’t attend this one. Maybe next time?”
“This project sounds great. What’s the timetable and is it negotiable?”
Offer alternatives.
Does the person making this request just need a solution? If so, that solution may not lie with you. Connecting people and offering helpful alternatives can build relationships while also keeping your plate clear.
“I can’t help with that, but my colleague would be a great fit. Let me connect you.”
“You know, Harriet loves managing those kinds of projects. Have you spoken with her yet?”
“I can’t do it this time, but I’d love to help in the future if I have advance notice.”
Teach them to fish.
Recurring requests can take up a lot of time, and when they are not handled effectively, can create resentment and overwhelm. A well-delivered NO not only frees up your time, it can empower others to learn new skills and develop their own capabilities.
“I can’t do that right now, but I could quickly show you the process.”
“This would be a good responsibility for you to take on. Why don’t you take a crack at it.”
“There is a great new app that makes this so easy. I’ll send you the link.”
Create a consensus.
When you’re juggling a number of important things that need attention, it’s important to have a conversation about priorities so that everyone is on the same page. This can be especially useful for organizing an ever-growing workload or setting reasonable expectations with others.
“We’ve outlined several priorities here. Which one should we be focused on first?”
“I understand this assignment is important. What would you like me to put on the back burner so that I can give this time and attention?”
“We’ve agreed that we need to prioritize family time right now, so we should probably decline that invitation.”
If you’re continually feeling overwhelmed or not focused on what truly needs your attention, it’s time to start saying NO. Let people know what’s on your YES list and start saying NO, respectfully and gracefully, to what’s not.
The more clear you are on your priorities, the easier it will be to maintain control of your time, energy and resources.
