Love 'em or hate 'em, nearly everybody's had them at some point. Especially in our fast-paced culture that too often prioritizes doing more or doing it “all”, to-do lists have become part of everyday life for so many of us.

Everyone relates to this tool a bit differently. Some people are list people. Lists work really well for them. In this case, lists can function as a partner in ensuring that all the i's get dotted and the t's get crossed, the phone calls get returned, the dry cleaning is picked up and the right work gets done at the right time but the right people.

Some people are, essentially, reporting to their lists. Their lists are a mile and a half long on a good day. And they easily fall into a pattern of identifying themselves and their value with what did or didn't get done that day. (Coach tip: if your list is so long that it’s unrealistic that you’d ever cram it all into one day — or one week — this list is not helping you. You can keep your lists, and make them work more effectively for you.)

Some people fear lists, or they just plain hate them. Maybe list aversion is a strategy that works well for them, or maybe they're feeling increasingly disorganized and dropping important balls. Maybe both, depending on the week.

Some people, like the client who focused their coaching on this topic last week, have bought into the idea (and an idea is all that it is) that she should be accomplishing an unreasonably long list of tasks every single day. That this is something to aim for and, actually, essential to her current goals. As is usually the case with lists of this nature, some of what appears there are not tasks at all, but full-blown projects with 16 steps.

Who's running this show? You? Or your to-do list?

I've been in all 3 of these relationships with my to-do list and my planner at various points in my life. I finally realized that successfully DO-ing everything all the time, and enjoying the satisfaction of checking off those boxes, was exhausting me, not helping me. So, I shifted to focusing my attention entirely on BE-ing and allowing that what truly needed to get done would get done. That doesn't always work either. It can backfire, especially in times of life and work change when who you are BE-ing is in flux and there are still plenty of real-life things that need attending to.

Fortunately, there is a middle way. In fact, there are many middle ways. The one that has worked best for me was learning to focus my to-do's around who I am being and becoming — and around a larger vision. Life is not the sum of a bunch of tasks checked off when done — this is true on a larger life scale as on a daily to-do scale, too — and doing 10 things instead of 5 didn't made me a better person or move me much closer to my vision.

Whether you're exhausted by a never-ending to-do list or feeling like important activities aren’t getting done effectively or strategically because you don't have a way to manage what truly needs doing that works well for you, here are a few practical ways to find what serves you best:

Take a clear-eyed look at your to-do list.

Why are these things on your list? Whether you have a written down list, a daily plan or a mental tally in your head, assess everything that’s there individually and run it through a filter:

• Does this need to get done today?

• Why?

• By me?

• Which of my values or priorities is it connected to?

Be ruthless. Cross off anything that doesn't make the cut. If it comes back, you can re-evaluate it then. And for the sake of all that will keep you sane, do not write every single thing you do in a day on a to-do list just so you can cross it off. If it's part of your regular maintenance and you know that it needs to happen, it will get done somehow. Trust me on this.

Get real about who's making you do what.

If we're going for honesty here, it's time to admit that most of the time it's not other people who are loading up our day with tasks and activities, or unreasonably high expectations. It's us. It doesn't matter whether our motivation is to be productive, to gain approval or recognition, to feel worthy, to distract ourselves from bigger challenges, to honor or build a relationship, to put our best towards making an important impact, or what have you. Overcrowding your daily schedule won’t increase your effectiveness or results. In cases where you have made an agreement with a manager or a family member, you are still the one who made the agreement. You always get to choose whether you'll honor it or renegotiate it where that’s needed.

Set strong and healthy boundaries.

I often encourage my clients to keep all of their lists to 3-5 key must-do items per day, depending on the time involved in the task. Period. This is also a great rule of thumb for any kind of strategic plans. If your agenda includes more complicated activities, then 1-2 will suffice. Focus on getting these key things done and enjoy feeling like you've accomplished something meaningful with your day because you have. If you have additional time and energy afterwards to accomplish other key items without sacrificing your wellbeing or daily life priorities, go for it. But know that accomplishing a handful of important things every day is actually what's going to move you forward, wherever your forward might be, in a sustainable and balanced way.

Consider dropping lists altogether.

No matter what anyone tells you, it is not necessary to operate your life by to-do's. Some of us find tracking this sort of thing to be a useful tool. That's it. I've recommended to clients that they throw out their lists as an experiment, or embrace the idea of not having one instead of trying to make themselves use one when it doesn't fit them. Guess what happens? Truly meaningful goals still move ahead and the nonnegotiables do happen. That's because when what needs doing is aligned to what matters to you, you'll do it. Even if you go back to your lists, this experiment will help you discern what you "need to" do and what might be delegated or reconsidered.

Write out a not-to-do list or a to-be list.

These experiments are equally interesting ways to explore how you spend your time and energy, and how much of that resource is allocated to things that aren’t moving you forward. As an example, I put social media on my not-to-do list for much of last year so that I could reevaluate how I want to engage there. A client of mine recently decided to add a daily to-be intention to her planner every morning in place of adding another task. Get creative in looking at what you’re doing, not doing and how you’re showing up.

If you're continually dropping balls, be compassionate and curious.

This is a symptom of something that needs attention, and not an identity. Are you exhausted? Burned out? Not all that interested in doing the activity in first place? Avoiding what feels uncomfortable, dull or new? Telling yourself the well-worn story about needing to do a million things is almost always a cover. Full schedules are a reality, and sometimes we do have a lot on our plate. But no one needs to do a million things, and not all the time. Busy doesn't make you better, but it may well make you bitter and burned out if you're not mindful about what’s going on underneath.

By asking questions, honoring yourself and experimenting, you will find what works for you and build a healthy, sustainable relationship to your time and how you spend it. Trust that.

I personally happen to like keeping a very short daily and weekly action list in my planner, and a parking lot of future tasks in an online project planner. This adds a loose framework that allows me to be creative and maintain some freedom of schedule, which I value. It sounds like a contradiction, but the framework is the container, and I fill it how I want. That is what works for me at this time in my life, and it’s open to evolving.

How are you currently allocating your time and energy? What is it that you want to experience in your day? How might rethinking your relationship how you structure your days— and what you fill them with— help you to create that?