Breaking the habit of 'I don't know'
Image: Evan Dennis
One of the most common phrases I hear as a coach is "I don't know."
It doesn't matter what the question is, or who is asking it. It can be a powerful question, or it can be a mundane, simple inquiry. Sometimes, the question has not even been asked yet. It's a knee-jerk reaction. It's a habit.
So many of us get tied in knots by the habit of "I don't know," and it's completely preventable.
The story goes something like this: I DON'T KNOW. That must mean something is wrong, no? It must mean something is wrong with me, right? It must be a sign not to move forward. A sign that more research needs to be done. Or a sign that I need fixing, that I am not doing this right.
Not so fast. Sometimes, many times, we do know. And many times, we are not responding to anything at all. We're reacting. And that's an important distinction. Sure, there are always big questions to which we do not have the answers. These are the places for curiosity, creativity, dialogue and innovation. And there are times where we truly do not yet have an answer to something we're mulling over (but we're working on it, and we trust it will come).
Uncertainty is a healthy part of life. But if we're being truthful here, that is not when many of us are knee-jerking our way to this phrase.
The tyranny of our collective "I don't know" habit is that, yes, it can lead to a lack of movement, momentum or creative living.
Perhaps you've gotten into the "I don't know" habit. Most of us do, at some point. The good news is that, like all habits, you get to choose. Your habit can be learned or unlearned, practiced or changed. (And no, there's nothing wrong with you.) When was the last time you truly "didn't know"? And when was the last time you pretended not to know? The next time you hear those words out of your lips, consider this:
"I don't know" resists taking charge.
It's not unusual for clients come to coaching sessions and "not know" what they want to focus on during their sessions, or "not know". Often, a bit of probing determines that, actually, they do know, and we get to work on making those sessions impactful and productive.
"I don't know" resists stating our desires.
It is (really) OK to have preferences, to know what you want. That does not mean you will always get exactly it, but the odds are much better. When we don't admit what we know we want, we tend to create or receive something quite different.
"I don't know" means we've pushed it aside.
This is an opportunity to be a little more mindful in our daily life. It's time to step back, take a breather and access our own wisdom. What do we know? Is there something we don't want to know?
"I don't know" can be easier than knowing.
Sometimes, what we know puts a lump in the throat. It might mean a challenging conversation or a big change is required. What we do know might require us to grow and stretch.
"I don't know" equals not wrong.
If you don't know, you can't choose the wrong thing, waste time, fall on your face, fail. At least that's the theory. In practice, it also means you don't build trust in yourself or experience what happens when you cultivate and follow your own knowing. When do you find yourself falling into this habit? What would happen if you practiced something else for a while? My coach's challenge to you is this:
Your challenge
Resist the habit of "I don't know" for the next week. Come prepared, state your preferences, negotiate, answer the hard questions.
Embrace the habit of asking yourself what you DO know. Try out the answers, and move forward from that place. Experience the vibrant energy that is unleashed when you shift out of a reactionary into a mindful response that is not only going to change your game but feel a whole lot more joyful, too. I'd love to hear what happens for you.
